Various

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Various jokes, etc.

 

A skeptic goes to see a fortune teller.  The fortune teller says, "You are the father of two children!"  The skeptic says, "Hah! That's a lie!   I'm the father of three children."  The fortune teller replies, "That's what you think."

 

 

A guy calls a psychic hot line that advertises "Ask about our new special!   One free question with every reading!"  So he says to the psychic, "I saw your ad and I'd like my free question with my reading."   The psychic says "Ok."  So the guy says, "Oh, before I go any further, how much do you guys charge anyway?"  The psychic replies "That was your free question!  The rest of your reading is only $5.99 a minute!"

 

 

A frog goes to have his fortune told.  The swami looks at his little webbed palm and says, "Aha!  You are about to meet a beautiful young lady who is going to want to know everything about you!"  The frog says, "Thanks!  I'm going to hop right back to the pond so I won't miss her!"   The swami stops him and says, "You won't meet her at the pond.  She's waiting for you in her freshman biology class."

 

 

A woman's husband had passed on.  She was so distraught that she went to a spiritualist to contact her husband.  The spiritualist told her that her husband was fine and that he was eagerly awaiting a reunion with her.  "Is there anything he needs?" the woman asked.  The spiritualist went into a trance like state then replied, "He says, 'I'd love ice and a pack of cigarettes.'"  The woman was overjoyed and said that she'd send them immediately.  She then asked, "Did he give an address?"  To which the spiritualist replied, "No, but since he didn't ask for matches and he did ask for ice, Heaven wouldn't be my first guess."

 

 

A woman goes to a medium hoping to reach her dearly departed grandmother.  The seance begins.  The medium begins to sway and his eyes begin to flutter.  His voice begins warbling and his hands float above the table and he begins moaning.  Finally, a coherent voice emanates from the medium saying, "Granddaughter?  Are you there?"

The woman, wide-eyed and on the edge of her seat responds, "Grandmother, is that you?!"

"Yes Granddaughter, it's me!" is the response coming from the medium.   "Is it really, really you Grandmother?" asks the woman.  The medium looks puzzled while the voice replies, "Yes, Granddaughter, it's really, really me!"  Again the woman asks, "Grandmother, are you SURE it's really you?"  And again the voice says, "Yes Granddaughter, I'm SURE it's really me!"

The woman hesitates for a moment and says, "Grandmother, I have just one question for you."  "Anything, Granddaughter!  You can ask me anything!"   The woman pauses again and then asks, "Grandmother, when did you learn to speak English?!"

 

 

A golfer goes to a fortune teller and says, "So tell me, I simply must know if there are golf courses in Heaven."

The fortune teller consults her tools of divination and replies, "Why yes!   According to my sources, there are indeed golf courses in Heaven!  And not only that, they are better than anything you could ever imagine!  They are greener and more gorgeous than anything you have ever seen before!  They aren't crowded!   You can schedule the weather that you like to play in!  You can play better than you've ever played, even score an ace at every hole if you'd like!  You can also play with some of your all time favorite golfers and even beat them if you want to!"

"Oh, that sounds just wonderful!" exclaims the golfer.  "I'm so glad to know that when I die and go to Heaven that I'll still be able to play golf!   Oh, by the way," he asks, "I am going to Heaven when I die, right?"   "Oh yes!", responds the fortune teller.  "Your tee time is scheduled for Saturday at 8!"

 

 

A drunk man at a party sees the long line waiting to see to the Tarot Card Reader.   He eyes his friend already seated at the petite woman's table and walks right up.   Noticing the man's condition, both the friend and the Reader indulge the drunk a few quick questions about Tarot Cards and the Reader.

Not wanting to keep the others in line waiting any longer than necessary and also not wanting to upset the drunk, the diplomatic Tarot Card Reader cracks him up and sends him on his way with the following quip to his last question.  "So, are you trying to tell me that you're a medium?", slurs the drunk.  "No, actually sir," deadpans the woman, "I'm really a small."

 

 

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Last modified: Sunday September 03, 2000.